Last on my list of myths is Keep Busy.
Nearly every griever I have ever met has told me that well-meaning family and friends had given them the advice to keep busy after a loss.
Many people have nearly worked themselves into exhaustion trying to stay busy so they wouldn’t feel the pain that was the normal and natural by-product of the loss that affected them. I know the primary reason that the myth of keeping busy persists is because it is linked to Grief Myth #4, that Grief Just Takes Time or Time Heals All Wounds.
That myth fuels the idea that keeping busy is a good thing to do. The basis for that dangerous combination of beliefs is the idea that if I keep busy today, then another day will have gone by, which allows the myth of Time Healing to make the pain go away. Of course that is totally incorrect, as the longer you wait to address the emotions connected to your loss, the more difficult it is to access those feelings.
Those feelings get tucked away, buried out of sight, but are still affecting you even if you are not aware of what’s going on under the surface. It’s bad enough that the idea of keeping busy is so tied to the false idea that the passage of time can heal anything, but it’s magnified by connection to Grief Myth #1, Don’t Feel Bad.
Again, if we think we are not supposed to feel bad, even though feeling bad or sad is the normal reaction to loss of any kind, then keeping busy is another way of trying to bypass and ignore the normal feelings of sadness and pain associated with loss.
Here’s another aspect to consider. Some people are busy types, others aren’t. Grief throws off all our rhythms and patterns.
If you give the advice to keep busy to someone who is not naturally that kind of person, you will have taken them even further out of their own style. With as much change as is produced by the grief itself, I recommend trying to keep from changing too many other things.
Check out Grief Myth # 1, Grief Myth # 2, Grief Myth # 3, Grief Myth #4, Grief Myth #5.
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